I've always been insecure about my body, like it is somehow incorrect or broken. That this machine my brain rides around in is bad product. I know it's stupid because everyone is different. We are not Mcnuggets which must abide by 5 different exact shapes, we are a mess of blobs and angles that writhe around doing daily chores. But I can’t help but look upon myself and think I've been handed bad card in life. I've told myself its irrational, which it is, but there's no harm in trying to improve what you're born with, so I started trying to fix the melted plastic action figure body of mine up and started exercising regularly.
It’s always hard at first, the initial steps, but once you're in the routine of it and you've worked it into the narrative that is your life it becomes no different from driving to and from work. It’s just one of those things that you do - and the benefits I felt were great. Within weeks I had a new vigour for life and stopped prodding my folds so much in the mirror. I started to see the sexy man inside of me that had been smothered by the pudgy doughboy I was. And that little sexy bloke over the next few months slowly tore its way out of the sack of yams vestibule I called my waking corpse until I became a man that looked in the mirror and was proud of who I had become.
It's been good since getting into shape. I've noticed that the type of flies that land on me tend to be nice like butterflies instead of bluebottles and the woman at the shop smiled at me so hard her dentures nearly fell out. I was feeling special. But I was still alone and I felt that maybe I wasn't as handsome as I had led myself to believe, maybe this journey was not over. What if there was an even SEXIER man underneath the sexy man who winks at himself in the mirror. Just layers like a fucking onion all the way down until you get to the core of what is it become a man god.
So I looked online to see if how I could push my body past its current, worldly limits. In hope that it would help me attract a nice lady to come share my 2 bedroom apartment with alongside Greg my housemate (He's really good at overwatch). And that's when I found it, finally a targeted add that worked, a supplement called Goblin Gainz. I was relaxing in the bath after a long workout with my oculus rift headset on browsing instagram when it popped up. A very bright video of a goblin growing in size until its shirt popped off whilst a booming voice shouted…
"YOU WANT BECOME BIG MAN STRONG? GOBLIN GAINZ! SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY"
It was incredible. I had to buy into it, plus they accepted cucumbercoin (cucion) that I had invested in heavily last year and maybe by using this this coin to buy some goblin gainz it might unfuck what has happened to its value over the last 12 months. So I bought 3 months worth to be delivered to my door and the next day, there it was sitting on my porch. I don't know how they managed to get a Sunday delivery but I was not complainin because I was about TO START GAININ if you get me haha.
The package ensured me that the contents, which were a trade secret, were of the highest quality and certified by several popular tiktok witches. The dosage instructions said to take one in the morning, 2 at lunch and 3 before bed. This will help develop a 'ramp up of goblin energy' within my cells on a molecular level and I guess that's what helps me become larger? I'm not entirely sure but I trust these experts. I have a degree in cinema so if i tell somebody they would like a film I know from a professional standpoint that I am an authority on the subject and it’s not really a recommendation but more like a prescription. Like when I told Greg to watch the movie ‘The Lighthouse’ because it was an analogy of our relationship and he said he would 'check it out'. I know that prick didn't watch it but if he did it might have helped him understand how I view him as a person.
Over the next few weeks I could feel myself getting stronger. But there were some awkward things going on with my body. For example, I had to move my car seat forward a little because I just didn't feel close enough to the peddles. And I had this insatiable appetite for smoked turkey legs. I know that sounds obscene, but I was up all night watching youtube videos about renaissance fairs with my mouth watering watching people take chunks out huge turkey drum sticks. They looked incredible and I had to have one. I watched a 'how it’s made' on the whole process of how they go from turkey to renaissance fair and it blew my mind. I went out the next day and bought one and just sat in the bath gnawing at it with one hand after a work out like a beast. I felt powerful and a little bit magical but also my trousers seemed a bit too long for me. Whatever.
I would have these extreme urges in the night to go steal things. Precious things that people would keep in their homes. Not something that had any real value just tacky shit. I would watch antiques roadshow at night and people would be trying to sell princess Diana memorial plates and I get an actual rock hard erection at the sight of it, wanting it to be mine as the man told them it was worth naff all and they had no taste and to fuck off.
It was totally unexplainable and I started to worry that I was going mad. Am I really getting shorter? Why am I so obsessed with trinkets all of a sudden? I reached out to the goblin gainz instagram page for advice and they said I was probably having a reaction to the formula because I was just too strong for it and I should come down to their office to get a higher dose that will sort me out.
So I went to their office, which wasn't really an office it was more of an end terraced house in a rough part of the city. But I know since the Covid people have all started working from home so I thought this was probably completely normal. I walked in and this woman greeted me with a giant smile, like she could tell I had been working out really hard over the last few weeks and taking my goblin gain pills and was impressed with my ability to see things through.
"I'm here for the booster shot they give the big boys who want bigger gains but had a reaction to the usual powder." I told her and she nodded and smiled and asked me a few questions. It went like this -
"Would you say you've been feeling an insatiable hunger for hunks of meat recently?" - Yes "On a scale of 1 to 10 how much 'goblin energy' are you feeling right now? " - Erm 13 "Have you noticed any sudden height loss since you started taking the medication?" - Now that you mention it "Do occasionally get the urge to locate and acquire princess Diana commemorative plates, may god bless her soul in heaven?" - No fucking way
She told me - "It's ok, these are all positive signs that you're well on your way to becoming the new you. Enter this room here and take the pill on the counter, I'll be with you in 15 minutes to show you the next steps to becoming the stronger, better version of yourself."
So I walked into the room, which was odd looking but what did I know. It only contained a chair and a table and no windows. On the table sat a little cup with a large green pill in it. Not wanting to show any weakness I necked it down without water and turned around to seek some kind of approval from the lovely receptionist lady but she had already closed the door. Not long after I started having these horrible pains in all the bones of my body. It felt like somebody had lined up 400 individual hotwheels tracks to each major bone and had launched hotwheel cars directly at them at high speeds. Like if every inch of my body was a foot standing on lego. It was horrible. I fell to the floor crying and saw myself shrink and my skin change colour. My hands - I could barely recognise them. They were dark green and my nails were black claws and when the process was over, I stood up and could barely reach the table I had just stood over.
Well I was obviously very upset. The lady came back in and I said, sternly "Now hold on, this is not what I signed up for. I would like to talk to your manager please." I think its important to remain polite and not let your emotions get the better of you during stressful and confusing times in your life.
"Oh I am the manager. I'm actually your manager now. Look at this contract you signed when you bought the pills." She said whilst handing me a piece of A5 piece of paper that clearly stated I had somehow signed up to becoming an employee of TrollOpFarm Incorporated. Now my father old told me to be a man of my word and I was. Even though at that moment I wasn't sure what I was as I appeared to be 3 foot tall and green. On a plus point however, having glanced over the fine print I thought the benefits were better than my current place of employment and included unlimited snacks and 5 weeks paid vacation to 'the underworld' which sounded like a cool goth club. I used to work at youtube which gave me fuck all benefits and the job was so boring. All I had to do was copy and paste the same stock replies to people who's accounts had been hacked so they can say they have a human workforce despite us all acting like bots.
Turns out this experience was beneficial in my new roll. The lady walked me down a long corridor holding my hand like she was my mother and explained the job to me.
"Ok so you are in charge of 500 twitter accounts. Your job is the ensure that all 500 of these twitter accounts appear real and at the same time occasionally like/retweet or talk about hot button subjects that our overseer wants you to push. It's very simple, just have fun with it. Be yourself! But also be extremely generic, around 56 years old, white and from the midwest."
And she led me into this huge room with thousands of cubicles. And there were so many people just like me, all proud little goblin men smiling politely to one another, holding little goblets of coffee as they walked between their assigned work stations. After a 10 minute walk around this labyrinth we arrived at desk. My own little home away from home (I was told I had to sleep under my desk tho as I was also not allowed to leave so technically it’s like working from home), where I would spend the next 3 years of my contract helping people make very difficult life decisions about what politicians they should vote for and what popular social agendas that went against the mainstream establishment we had to crush. It's rather rewarding to be honest and I've made many new friends. I no longer think about the powers of the flesh, only the mind and the will of the masses of people I command. Also you would not believe how sexy the goth girls at the underworld club are.
